Twin Peaks. The return. Camera Obscura. Twin Strangers. West Side Story. Ok go.

Waiting for the show to begin I marveled at my defensive strategy. Should my pre-frontal cortex start jonesing for that sweet haptic feedback, diverting my attention for even a second, I lavishly laid out before me my weapons of mass absorption. Six hot pieces of original recipe KFC, three homemade aluminum free biscuits, one bowl of packet boiled gravy, and two cans of Diet Coke. Now sparkle in a pint glass with ice cubes. Call it a day and sparkle god damn it.

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Sprinting down the hallway I jumped into my sister’s waiting arms just as General M.D. Shirinda’s jangly guitar riff melts into the kick drum on track three. Much to our parent’s varied amusement we performed this courtship ritual with gleeful aplomb. We were privy, after all, to what New Yorkers were up to a cinematographer’s party. No big deal. What we didn’t know was how much our spongey little brains were soaking up the otherworldly rhythms of Soweto street music. As a welcome respite from the overplayed Dino-Rock of Santa Barbara’s 99.9 and Teen-Beat of Oxnard’s 104.7 – Push It being the exception – Graceland was one of the few records my parents would spin with any frequency.

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Down on the street where the faces shine. Floatin’ around I’m a real low mind. See a pretty thing in a wall. See a pretty thing in a wall. In a wall. In a wall. In a wall. – The Stooges, Down on the Street

After 108 years of complete and total failure the Chicago Cubs from the great state of Illinois are a lock to win the World Series. This in a country favored by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ of Nazareth have them at current Vegas odds of 11:4. Too bad there isn’t a bible verse that could’ve turned us on to these harbingers of “things to come.” Say maybe Revelation 11:4? That would’ve really sung. *

When the Cubs win, they will do so with an overall winning percentage of .664. After the final out, expect the crowd on Waveland avenue to lurch and sway like decadent children during Rage Against the Machine’s set at Woodstock 99′. In other words, it won’t be pretty and the black and whites will be called in to hose down the depraved. Unless Rahm happens to be saving them for a “special occasion” that night on the other side of town. After winning the pennant and despite suggestions from their sabermetrics department to “hold off on the steals and shift David Ross to left with Matt Szczur behind the plate,” coach Maddon will have white knuckled all the shots himself. He will not return in 2017.

Less than one month later Clinton 2 will be elected in a landslide 60-40 split over the occasionally righteous baby man of the apocalypse. She will have done so on a platform of neo-liberal establishment policies and her promise to re-open the X-Files. After her victory speech Mr. Burns will be reached for comment and declare to a doubting public that, “we bring you peace.” Hillary’s recent acknowledgment that the verbiage has been changed from UFO to UAO only confirms what so many of us have known all along. We. Cannot. Touch. Her.

On New Year’s Eve Day Dr. Grigory Rodchenkov of Sochi fame will reveal that he in fact was the mastermind behind the Cubs unprecedented success. His cocktail of one milliliter Chivas Regal to one milligram Ibogaine allowed these now fallen heroes uncommon recovery after grueling sets of high intensity circuit training mandated by Epstein and the boys upstairs. Sources will confirm that while Jebus wept the good doctor hiding out in his Silver Lake apartment made Borscht.

*Revelation 11:4 states, “these are the two olive trees and the two lampstands that stand before the Lord of the Earth. If anyone wants to harm them fire comes out of their mouth and devours their enemies. Like Ryu’s fireball scorched across a two-dimensional plane more victims shall perish despite abstinence of earthly perils.” Your correspondents are awash in prescient connections. Alas, the challenge of distillation remains insuperable in the wake of this horrible gibberish.