Monthly Archives: January 2023

Yo Momma’s So Holy (Spoken Word)

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After hearing her confession, Father Jim whispered under his breath, “God damn, I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

When it came time to atone for her sins, she simply went on being a perfect little angel.

After drinking from the fountain of life, all the water drained out of her like an atmospheric river over Santa Cruz County.

When they couldn’t find an old priest or a young priest for an exorcism, she was sworn in on the spot by the Catholic church as their collective replacement, even though she was a woman.

During the Reformation she never took sides.

Exercising for her is a real no-no, because who in their right mind would want to sweat out 70% of their body weight after a single jumping-jack?

When a bunch of street toughs descended on her with toothpicks, all they could do was jab aimlessly with no point in sight.

Pamily Fortrait

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They lived in a hamlet above the sea, the sun always rising behind a vibrating mist. Each day they watched the waterworks burn off before noon – Mommy, Daddy, and Daughter – sipping ginger infused hot cocoa with clotted cream. Witnesses to molecules vaporizing by the billions, the family soaked up the miracle like a grateful little sponge.

The bear growled loudly walking up the mountain.

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Yo Momma’s So Nice

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She even gave a compliment to a sociopath.

In due time, good things came to her.

When evil dudes look at her, they just go, nah.

Sometimes she smiles to cover up her sadness.

When it came time to donate household goods, she donated her entire house.

Evil geniuses are just plain stumped, yeah stumped.

She even let an orphan adopt her.

She look like a sucker about to get hustled.

Chores, drudgery, and bad news are just like breathing to her.

When the taxman collects, she always tips.

Her biggest ambition in life is making everybody happy.

She’s always the one to eat the half eaten apples and moldy cheese.

One time she even saved the life of an axe murderer.

Every word she utters is a miracle.

She finished last, but she still felt like a champion.